Little C: This Week It Just Hurts

Readers, as promised today's post is gonna be a bit of a downer. I cannot write about comics or music or TV today. I cannot distract myself and brush it off as "too soon" again. I feel injured. A community that I love, that I subscribe to, that has seen it's fair share of bullies and attacks, lost 50 people on Sunday and nearly lost over 50 more to one man and several guns. I have read the list of names and seen the pictures of the victims. I've let my tears fall for the lives that were cut short and the families that were ripped to shreds. And I realize how inadequate this reaction feels.

I spent the last half of the weekend holed up in my house trying to avoid any contact with the outside world. Every time I went on the internet I saw something new that deepened an already unbearable pain and ignited a useless anger. I talked to my best friend for a little while, trying to find the words to explain why I felt like this time was different. Why it was so close to home. The best I could come up with was a very shaky metaphor.

"It feels like the people who died were part of my island. And now all these people who don't really care, who aren't really affected, are rushing to pass judgement on how they lived and died and who we should be angry at and who we should hate. And I just want to scream 'Get away form us. Get off our island and let us grieve. Let us think. Let us mourn.'"



I still feel that way when politicians who less than a year ago were claiming that two men getting married would signal the end of our civilization extend their thoughts and prayers. Or when the news articles cry that this was a religious issue and therefore all the real Americans should unite in anger against the Muslims. The problem is that this is the same language that was used not so long ago when the people to be "feared" were the gays. God knows this whole week has brought out my cynical side but even I don't believe that the LGBTQ+ community is going to get swept up in a tide of fear and hate peddled by people with an agenda that only benefits from a negative and angry overreaction. Those who want to instill that hate in us can get the fuck off our island. They're not welcomed here.

I can't help but feel some cynicism, mostly because I don't have any faith that this tragedy will result in change in law or legislation. If the change didn't come when the victims were elementary school children, I don't believe that it's coming when the dead were mostly gay Latino men. That doesn't mean I think we should stop fighting. The punk in me wouldn't abide quiet passive silence, and my parents taught me that it's important to fight for the right thing even if you lose. So we will fight. But not this week.



June is Pride month. A month long celebration where the LGBTQ+ in every community come together celebrate who they are. The timing makes this wound deeper, so much pain interrupting our time of open happiness. It was supposed to be a victory lap for us, almost a year after the legalization of gay marriage. Now the parades have turned to funeral marches and the rallies have become vigils. Millions of LGBTQ+ people and their allies are feeling this same hurt that I feel and it's going to be a while before the time comes to move on to the next step. When that time does come, we will move forward.



I love you all, and I hope that you always find the strength to live with pride,
Little C


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